HAIR

When I travel I am constantly asked if I would like my hair braided. A gentle no thank you usually is enough. But some ladies are more persistent. They ask me why not or when will I or try to quote me low prices. I have never said yes mostly because my hair is so highlighted/color treated/fine that it would break off and my scalp would burn. I also would be an obvious tourist. I find braids pretty if done in a unique style. Especially with beads or shells. I was home for 8 days and had Megan cut my hair 3 inches. And braid it. I am loving it. Many think I got it done in JA. The style is 5 rows and 2 more in the back. It resembles a starfish or fireburst or sunrays from my part that swirl around my head to an intricate pin up design in the back. It is so lovely. It is nice to not worry about my hair. Nice to just know it is up and my face has to carry me. It is a different type of beauty. As I talked about tonight... when I was 16-19 I played around w/ braids. Had my friends do them. Dangling down small and also cornrowed. Never professionally done back then. OMG did I catch shit for it. I guess I looked like a wannabe? I had black women tell me without hesitation that they looked ugly, that I should not have them, that I was stupid. Very intimidating and hurtful back then because really I just wanted something different. Back then I listened to Bob, smoked a lot. I internalized that as a white girl it really might not be my place to have my hair that way. I have never been one to challenge others or offend on purpose. Getting the reactions I did kinda shut me down. I didn't - don't - want to be singled out and cussed out. I knew then that people have a right to their opinons and who am I to deny them that? If anyone would have asked me then or now why I had my hair like that I would have told them: I like this. I am a city girl. I am an active anti-racist. I try to recognize my white privledge and resist it - I am not comfortable with it. I have always gone to public schools - although ones in relatively good parts of town. I have dated black men, have friends of many races. I don't know anything different. The shit I've caught for being this whitey - having my opinions - my loud mouth - and respecting others are all qualities that take too long to explain. Justifying myself gets old but is always worth the breath if I have an open ear. But people judge. People don't care. There are tons of females like me. Tons. I know I am all good but it is so exhausting to explain all this to others all the time. Defending myself is now something I rarely do. I've known for a long time that I am different from others based on outside appearances. I just can't fight that fight every time. Plus most don't hear me anyways. Pick and choose the battles is what I have become accustomed to. After all I am me. Will always be. I am secure with my past, present, and although a lil worried about the future - every hater out there does not deserve my lecture - defense. I wish I did have the energy and desire to hash it all out w/ everyone who challenges me. Maybe someday I will regain that. Maybe. As I've grown older, more comfortable in my skin, realizing that my open mindedness won't change - the less I want to defend myself. I also have Mandy, Leslie, Megan, Charity, Lynn, Tanna. I do not feel all this alone! So now with my hair braided @ 29 - I find the reception so different. Many pay me compliments honestly. Others do not really know how to react and give me a nice reaction because they don't know what else to do. I watch the gears turn in their heads and know that I challenge their inner reactions. I don't appear normal to them. Yet it is not ugly. I see their minds shift and when they say - nice hair - they really can't vocalize any other reaction because really, truly, my hair is not offensive. It is just different. In the end my braids are beautiful. I am gonna leave them in until they look nasty. Then I will take them out and have curly hair for 1 day only. Sorry for the social commentary - but this is really interesting to me. A microcosim of what is going on in the world - my world - our world. I have made people contimplate their beliefs with only my hair. I have remembered my past and am living in my own way. If I do not appear proper to some - fuck them. My beauty extends beyond my hair, my clothes, my job. My beauty can be found in these places: how I treat those people on the other end of that phone line @ work, the books I read, the languages I study, the conversations I share, my jewelry, where I travel. My family, my friends, the kids in my life. My goals, my loud sincere laugh. I believe that deep down every person can see the mistake of judging others based on how they look. But I can't prove that alone nor do I want to - just know that I think I have figured it all out to the point that I can have my hair any way I want it - can look in any mirror and smile. I continue to live my life with others that feel the same as time passes and that is the good fight that keeps me going.